sey

This is for me. I don’t care if you’ve nothing to say back.

I know that, to you, this might seem incredibly random. But it’s not.

I love this boy. And I’ve never felt this strongly about another person. Not since freshman year, when I thought I loved you. And what I think is happening is that my subconscious is making defenses. Because the last time I felt like this, I was hurt during the relationship and devastated after it ended.

I don’t exactly know how to say this. But I think a lot of my social and emotional issues stem from you and our relationship. I was young then. And a lot of what happened stuck, and it’s taken it’s toll. I know that it’s been forever since we were together, but I figured if I got this out of my system and “confronted” the reason behind my problems, maybe I could move passed them and start feeling better about myself.

You cheated on me multiple times. And because of that, I’ve had trouble trusting anyone I’ve dated since, which feels awful. I don’t know if you have any idea just how awful, but imagine that there’s always a little piece of you that thinks that one day the person you love is going decide that you’re not good enough, but that guy over there? Yeah, he is. I don’t know if that would have the same effect on you, but I really don’t care. Because, again, this is not for you.

I still don’t really know why we even stayed together. It’s not like you enjoyed my company anyways. When we finally broke up, a friend told me that you started to hate me near the end of our relationship. Which, now that I look back, was completely obvious. I should never have had to hope that you’d want to walk me to class in the morning. Or wonder if you would break up with me the next time I saw you.

I deserved better than you then, and I still do. Luckily, I’ve gotten just that. Someone I love, whose feelings for me I don’t have to question.

I know how it feels to be loved by someone.
I know what it means to be fully entangled in everything about another person.
I know. And that feels incredible.

i’ve never had a “good dream”

lately, especially.. i’m always killing or avoiding being killed.
running, always running.
not knowing i had help until it’s too late.
alone in a group of people,
completely unaware of their existence.
sometimes i’m trying to save someone, usually you.
but i almost never get there in time..
or i wake up and realize i never even got close.

maybe my subconscious is doing me a favor.
it’s probably better that i have such trouble sleeping.
my mind knows what’s coming if i slip.
running, always running.

landofacid:

There is someone looking for what I concealed 
In my secret drawer, in my pockets deep
You will find the reasons that I can’t sleep , and you will still want me

i didn’t sleep well last night. nothing really ever goes as planned though. tonight’s going to be difficult. sleeping alone is awful. maybe that’s why i’m having trouble. it’s my own fault. dependency is nothing new. change will start soon. i hope. insecurites make life so difficult, i wish that sometimes i didn’t feel emotions. because then i could at least fake confidence a little easier. he makes me really happy, that’s one thing i’ve never faked. this shirt is incredibly itchy. i wish that we spent a little more time together. i’m getting clingy again, jenny. stop it. it’s funny how the same situation feels completely different to everyone involved. i’m incredibly tired. something needs to change. i want to fall asleep with you tonight. that would help. my heart feels sad. but it’s the kind of sad that you can feel physically more than emotionally. i wonder if other people know what that means.. i can’t be the only one. shut up facebook, i’m busy

i wanted this to come out sounding flowy and poetic, so that i didn’t feel like i was just writing a note. but it came out the way it did.. and that’s cool with me.

everything i’ve ever wanted to say, but couldn’t;

now keep in mind, i have never loved anyone halfheartedly. when i fall, it’s completely and totally, or not at all. there is no middle ground that i can safely balance on.. i was never considerate enough to grant myself that luxury. and i think that will ultimately be my downfall.

in my past, i was never allowed to see the people i dated outside of the time we spent together at school. either because i was considered “too young” or my family just didn’t like the person i chose to be with.

so i made due with the time i got to spend with them. given, it wasn’t much.. but i did what i could, so that i felt like i wasn’t completely failing at each relationship i chose to involve myself in.

but now it’s different. now that i can spend countless hours with you, i try. because i know what it feels like to want to see someone and not be able to(so do you, though..). so i take full advantage of the fact that it isn’t an issue with us.

it wasn’t until recently that i realized it was a problem. that my wanting to spend every second i could with you was creating conflict. so much so that we broke up. “freedom” was what you wanted, and freedom was what you got. at least for a little while, right?

and now i’m afraid that i’m doing it again, that i’m smothering you. and i don’t want that. but i also don’t want to feel like i can’t see you when i want to. because that makes me feel awful. it’s like.. well, it’s kind of like needing a cigarette, but not having one. not exactly, of course.. but it’s the closest thing i could think of without stopping my train of thought..

i don’t want to lose you. and i don’t want you getting tired of me, and not letting me know that i’m being smother-y. i want you to be completely honest with me, just like i want to be completely honest with you. nothing means more to me. but it’s hard. so this is how i’m choosing to do that for now..

listen, because this part is important.. probably more-so than anything i’ve said so far: i have never felt this way about anyone else. ever. you are the single most amazing boy i have ever met. and knowing that you were trying to develop feelings for other girls scares me more than anything.which is why i felt/feel uneasy about you making er.. friendgirls(?). it’s incredibly childish and selfish, i know. but it was a terrifying thought.

i love what we have. i love almost everything about it. because, while we might not be technically “together”, i still consider myself yours. what i don’t love is that i’m never sure of your feelings for me.. i’ve wanted to ask you exactly how you felt about me since new years eve.. because after that, i wasn’t really sure where i stood..

well yeah, now if only i could say that out loud.